


My bright spot in all this madness

by Apricock101



Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Actors, Charmie, Feelings, M/M, POV Armie Hammer, Post-Film, Press Tour, Press and Tabloids, Questions, RPF, Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 15:20:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18122939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apricock101/pseuds/Apricock101
Summary: It's an imagining of Armie's thoughts at a Q&A after a screening of Call Me by Your Name. It's amazing what crosses someone's mind in milliseconds as a question is being asked by an audience member.





	My bright spot in all this madness

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. Though it may be based on facts and real life quotes the actor has said, the context and implications are solely my own.

“I have a question for Armie...”

“Ah, great!” Armie said, his ears perking up. He smiled toward the audience member, trying to seem genuinely interested even though it was getting more difficult lately to tolerate the tediousness of Q&As. He’d been at what felt like hundreds of these for Call Me By Your Name, on what felt like a never-ending press tour.

Armie loved being an actor, he just didn’t love all that came with it. That included having to attend a million screenings like this one to promote each film, it meant endless press junkets where he’d be bored out of his mind when asked the same questions repeatedly by every interviewer and fan alike, plus, all the travel wore him out.

Occasionally he’d get a question that was truly interesting, insightful, or thoughtful, but all too often he was faced with monotony, stupidity, or just plain rudeness: especially infuriating were privacy-invading ones of a sexual nature. He just couldn’t tolerate " _What was it like when Timmy grabbed your crotch?”_ type questions. He’d worked on keeping his temper in check in those moments, just barely, and managing to respond with something like, “Hey buddy, get your mind out of the gutter. Our characters were in fucking love. It wasn’t like that.”

It wasn’t just his character that was in fucking love, either. Armie fell in love with the experience of making the movie. The end product, the actual movie itself, was of course art, because, well, Luca could do nothing less. The film is probably second only to his wedding video in being able to immediately transport him back to those feelings, but even so, it was a mere snapshot of all the magic that happened while filming.

His favorite part of acting in movies was being on set, and filming in the northern Italian countryside for this one was no exception-- it was actually his favorite place he’d ever shot, scratch that, his favorite place he’d ever been to, period. The natural simple beauty of the landscape, the food, the history, the people…

In fact, he’d have wanted to be transported back to Crema this very moment if he could. Living an eternal summer of love in Oliver’s shoes for the rest of his life definitely wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to him, especially if it meant he could leave this Q&A. The cast and crew were the best he’d ever worked with and they had felt like a family that he never wanted to leave. He wished he could make every movie with the same cast and crew and live in that perpetual paradise. It would be like really existing in Oliver's "heaven."

It still shocked him how much his feelings had changed in just over year. He'd said no initially when he saw the script. He was terrified of accepting the role for several reasons. First, he just wasn't that comfortable with the explicit sex scenes and more so, he was doubtful whether he had the talent to realistically convey the emotional depths of intimacy between Elio and Oliver, two men. He had never even shot a sex scene with a woman like that before, and this story was more passionate than most. He knew the chemistry had to be firey, and that the honesty of their connection had to be spot on in order to make their intense enduring love believable. He wasn't homophobic by any means, he just wasn’t sure he had in him to be that vulnerable. And he had to admit, he just simply didn't want pictures of his penis to be public for his kids to be teased, "Look it's your dad's dick!" when they got to junior high school.

Armie had never met an epicurean like Luca before. He was passionate about everything: film, food, fashion, friends, feelings, and fucking, and his sensuality was contagious. Just being around him for a few months was life transforming and something that Armie would never trade for anything. However, Luca was also one persistent prick who would never take no for an answer, and he had his heart set on Armie playing Oliver. Luca was philosophical, explaining about how fear was connected to desire and that Armie's hesitancy and doubts were simply indicators of how much Armie actually desired to do it deep down. Needless to say, Luca is nothing if not persuasive.

Armie couldn’t _not_ say yes.

 _Damn that persuasive bastard_ , he thought, smirking to himself. Luca succeeded in convincing him to take the creative and emotional risk, and Armie gratefully saw how it had paid off immensely in more ways than one this last year. 

Besides the thrill of finally working with Luca, the director whom he thought he had expertly charmed at their first meeting, (who subsequently took six and half fucking years to finally call him back for a job,) he got to spend months in glorious Italy and work with fantastic people on the most collaborative project he'd ever done.

He loved Luca for pushing him past his comfort zones as an actor and for getting him to do things he’d never have done otherwise. It was scary as hell, but he trusted Luca, who always made him feel safe enough to explore those vulnerable parts of himself. His fears about being able to portray real deep feelings with another man on screen were obliterated during the filming. He emerged from the shoot fundamentally changed and he was still processing the extent of it.

It was a tiny passion project. He’d never imagined it would get the love from fans and the industry acclaim it received. If the producers had told him they'd had any inkling that the film would become a critical success and would require this amount of press, Armie might have rethought about doing the film. He'd have done anything to avoid sitting through, to quote André Aciman, the ‘drudgery’ of all the interviews. He was beyond grateful to the project-- and that was the only reason he continued and attempted to tolerate these press events-- because at this point, all he really wanted to say was, "Fuck it."

Waiting for the question, Armie tried to revel in this small nugget of attention, hoping for the best. At these events Timmy was usually the focus, and he was glad for that, content to maintain some semblance of privacy and out of the clutches of the hysteria for the film that seemed to grow daily. Most of the questions and praise were directed to Timmy or Luca, deservedly. However, sometimes Armie sometimes felt a pang of despair for not getting the same level of recognition in his own career. He'd often been overlooked for meaty roles due to his classic good looks, and had to fight the typecasting of "generic handsome white guy" constantly. It was as if he were nothing more than a real life Ken doll, or as one reviewer put it, a bland "piece of toast."

He was extremely proud of his young co-star, though, and admired Timmy's emotional openness, charisma, and of course, his enormous talent. He found himself constantly saying in interviews and screenings how proud he was of Timmy and how incredibly special Timmy was, and he meant it. Timmy had a effervescent presence which made everyone want to draw closer to him, as a friend or lover, and Armie was not immune. In fact, sometimes Armie had a hard time taking his eyes off of him.

It was embarrassing when he'd catch himself staring. He did his best to play it off with sarcasm and distraction, two skills he'd mastered over the years that got him out of a lot of uncomfortable situations. His jokes about them making out every day to warm up and the constant retelling of the first kiss rehearsal were strategic media moves. _Give them a little and they'll be so enthralled that they'll forget everything else and leave you alone._ So powerful was this use of distraction that he successfully evaded many other personal questions about the nature of his relationship with Timmy and the goings on during the filming of those intimate scenes from even being asked. _Feed the thirsty fans and media, while never really revealing much of anything too private._ Those answers were close to his heart and he didn't like displaying them so freely, especially when he wasn't even sure what his feelings were at this point or what they meant. He just knew that the remaining bright spot of the rest of the press tour was more time with Timmy.

Over the last year, Armie had found himself longing and cherishing his alone time with Timmy. Time without Elizabeth, without tv cameras, and without audiences' prying eyes. Armie told himself that that was simply because of their shared experiences filming and traveling together, because of the sheer quantity of close proximity they'd had, but he wasn't quite so sure anymore. Timmy was just an open beautiful soul, unlike anyone he'd ever met before.

The opportunity to work with Timmy so early on in the young man's career, the gift to witness firsthand the rising star grow and blossom before everyone’s eyes was another thing he was grateful for. He loved accompanying the handsome and stylish young ‘actor of his generation’ on red carpets and that his mere hand wrapped around him could soothe Timmy when he was a nervous wreck. Armie beamed with pride and affection whenever he saw Timmy basking in the overwhelming adoration and praise with such humor, grace, and humility.

If there's one thing he was most grateful for about this project, it was meeting Timmy. Armie realized-- 

“... What was it like kissing Timmy?”

The sound of the audience member's voice cut into Armie's newfound realizations.

 _Oh crap, here we go again_ , he thought. Armie subtly shifted in his chair to hide his frustration and mortification. _One of those annoying questions_ , he said to himself, grimacing internally while maintaining a pleasant face for the cameras. He often lamented that he didn't have a naturally expressive face because it was so useful in the craft of acting, but when it came to dealing with uncomfortable public situations like this, Armie had no trouble masking his true feelings. He was grateful for his lack of Timmy's gift where every thought flashed across his face. 

“I don’t know. I never actually kissed _Timmy_ , Oliver kissed _Elio_ , and Elio was eager and passionate.”

He didn’t say what he was really thinking:  _Timmy’s kisses lit me up inside like no one else's ever have. I wanted to drown in him forever. His lips are as soft as they look, and sweeter. His closeness and touches made me feel safer and more loved than I have ever felt. His shining eyes and smile, his creamy skin and silky hair, his seductive voice-- it's all the stuff of my dreams, and I don't know how I'll ever survive if I don't kiss him again soon..._

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it took me a while to post another piece. I wrote this back in January, but just did some more editing on it today. Comments and feedback are so appreciated. Thanks to the friends who encourage me to keep writing. Sorry, no smut, that's not quite my writing style, but I do like reading it!! 😂


End file.
